Killing the "self" to Live: Apocalypse Now

Today I woke up sick. This is not a metaphor. I woke up achy and congested in the lungs. Unable to drag myself out of bed at my self imposed 7 AM wake up call. I stayed in bed and lazily "meditated" until I finally sat up. I grabbed my cell phone which had been chirping at me in 10 minute intervals until now and started scrolling around mail, facebook, instagram snapchat... a habit I am working on breaking. Oh I thought, It's inauguration day. My hazy mind let the details of this drip out of my ears while dreams of dystopian fantasy occupied my brain. 

With a leaden melancholy sticking to the corners of my ribcage, I spent the day sipping tea and bone broth and making spreadsheets and business cards. I called Oscar so I could enroll in an insurance plan. I called a financial advisor to help me navigate the new world of freelance and self-employment. I felt good. Productive even. But then I checked in on the shit storm and sunk into a lull for the rest of the day which included Yoga Teacher Training homework, reading The Mirror of Yoga by Richard Freeman.

Yoga philosophy can be kind of depressing. The corporate facade of this philosophical practice will paint a picture of freedom and sunshine and tight pants and green juice, but the journey to liberation is a dark and messy affair. Only when you destroy your sense of self, I mean get in there and murder your ego and any sense of individuality, can you even come close to liberation and freedom. You will have hints and tastes of it. You can even delude yourself into believing you've made it. But most of us cannot hope for that kind of enlightenment in our lifetime.

Actually, most of us don't have any interest in that kind of self-inquiry and development. How much easier is it to remain complacent or become a master manipulator, feeding our egos with a barrage of false identities and accomplishments? Projecting our self-esteem and self-worth onto accolades and victories. It is hilarious the things we do to feel something like acceptance.

You see, none of it matters. Not one single thing. And instead of depressing, why is that not liberating? Why isn't is a massive relief? We all gain things and we lose things. We grow old and we die. We are all dying. Right now. From the moment we are born, we are dying. Everyone you know will die, and eventually, no one will remember you. Why are we so afraid of that? Why are we so afraid of death? Of the temporary nature of this universe. Of endings? Why don't we celebrate the beauty of the life-death-life cycle and the phoenixes that are born from the ashes?


Burying Point Cemetery in Salem, MA

Burying Point Cemetery in Salem, MA

And that means the Fourth Reich will end. The collapse of democracy will end. Every horror we will endure will end. If not today, then tomorrow. If not this year, then in the next four. We were asleep for a long time. A lot of us still are, but we have the opportunity and the obligation to push through the contraction and birth pains of this new cycle. Because Donald Trump and his supporters are us. We are made of the same stuff. The same elements and molecules and atoms. We are all connected, not in a "woo-woo" way, but scientifically every atom is in some way touching one another through the air and touching every other person. Our electromagnetic fields are constantly overlapping and intermingling.

That doesn't need to make you feel forgiving or compassionate. You don't even need to buy into it. However, if you choose to rise up, resist and seek change--seek to complete the cycle and bring in new life--know you are doing it for everyone. For every person on this planet. For the planet itself. When it gets hard, feel discouraged, feel like giving up, and then rise up again anyways. This is going to be difficult and trying and a lot of the time the worst, but we must stand up for each other and give voice to the voiceless and PROTECT THE VULNERABLE. 

I won't be marching in Washington DC this weekend, my loves. I have chosen to stay and continue my Yoga Teacher Training so that I can teach you guys some sweet moves and dope philosophy that makes you feel sad sometimes but giddy other times. You are all in my heart and I will be here to hold space for you upon your return. Stay safe and stay fierce and I hope to make a cameo in midtown Manhattan during my lunch break!