How to Win @ Tinder (or Hinge or Whatever) + Use it for Personal Development
I know the feeling well, swipe after swipe, dud after dud, you start to wonder if everyone sucks, if there’s something wrong with you, or if there is any point to this game of digital courtship. Been there. Done that.
Dating can really suck, online or off. Putting yourself out there and getting to know someone new is daunting in and of itself, but add a divided political climate and a global pandemic to the mix and the cocktail of YIKES is enough to make anyone swear of swiping (or seeing people at all). Luckily, I have YEARS of online dating experience, and I learned a few things about how to stay sane and use even shitty interactions to cultivate compassion, resilience, and confidence.
I’ll be diving in live on Zoom on Thursday 11/19/2020, with guidelines, profile audits and more. (You’ll also get a month of Tinder Gold for free.)
My online dating experiments began on OK Cupid circa 2012 or 2013. A simpler time, to be sure. I made a few friends (some with benefits), but nothing lasting came out of the attempt since I started dating a friend from high school for a little bit and the app was deleted.
Next phase incorporated Tinder in 2014. A few hook ups here and there. Some fun convos. I often found that I was less attracted to people in person. I was going on dates for the sake of “putting myself out there.” I would periodically delete and re-download until mid 2015 when I took a vow of celibacy to work on myself. It worked, and later that fall I started dating someone long term for the first time since college.
2018 began my final foray on the apps, and this round taught me the most, especially since we were living in more “woke” and politically charged times. It included stints on OKC, Kink’d (a BDSM focused app that I honestly wouldn’t recommend even if you’re into that sort of thing), Hinge, Tinder and 5 seconds on Bumble.
Here’s some of what I learned, and what The Seeker’s Guide to Online Dating dives deeper into.
Get Clear On Your Intentions
Even if you don’t really know what you’re looking for, having some sort of clarity or point of focus will make everything else easier. If you’re looking for a relationship, don’t pretend that you’re cool with keeping things casual. If you’re more open to explore, have an idea of the kind of person you would like to spend your time with.
REMEMBER: Even if you’re looking for something casual, you still deserve honesty and respect.
It’S nOt AbOuT yOu (unless it very much is about you)
Nothing on the internet is personal, even if it might really feel like it. Even rejection after a first date probably isn’t personal. One of my points of focus is helping folks cultivate the kind of resilience and non-attachment necessary to navigate this landscape. Compassion practices help, too.
Then again, there are those who really are just not putting there best foot forward and get bad responses because of their shitty attitude, but if you’re here, I doubt you’re one of those people.
Be Warned: Negativity Invites Negativity
I know that you have strong beliefs and convictions and there are plenty of people out there that don’t line up, but I urge you to be extremely careful about what political beliefs your put out there and especially how you do it. More often than not, you may just be inviting trolls to bait you. I don’t make the rules, I just learned from them.
For example, something like “don’t bother messaging me if you’re not a feminist” may invite more assholes than like minded people. There are alternative ways to communicating your message and sussing out who your true allies are.
Know Your Red Flags
Sometimes they’re really obvious, sometimes they’re more subtle. Sometimes they’re photo related. Sometimes it’s the writing or lack thereof. For me it was photos with red solo cups or SnapChat filters and descriptions that included “if you want to know just ask” or “just looking for someone drama free.”
Sometimes it’s the way people talk to you. Some people get too familiar too fast for my taste. Some people go straight to the sex talk. Sometimes I was okay with it. Sometimes I wasn’t. Your intention will help inform this.
Radical Honesty is Your Greatest Ally
It’s so fucking hard to decondition ourselves from the idea that we need to act a certain way for a potential lover to like us, but that is a lie that makes all of us miserable. There are ways we can speak to that voice in our head that wants us to be super likable or that encourages posturing and make it a little quieter.
Use Quality Photos That Reflect Your Sparkle (I know Sparkle is Corny AF but I’m serious)
Some of the more common complaints I hear are from men who don’t get a lot of matches when they’re using poor quality selfies. Be yourself, but if yourself if you in a tank top in a messy room with a greasy mirror, maybe there are some areas of self-care that need your attention first.
Alternatively, NO MORE PUPPY FACE FILTERS. It’s infantilizing and weird.
Try photos that show off what makes you unique. Whether it’s a hobby, your profession, or a sense of style, give a glimpse of what makes you shine, and again, if you don’t have photos like that, take some, If you don’t think you have anything that makes you shine, maybe it’s time to examine how you spend your time.
Take Breaks or DELETE WHEN NECESSARY
Sometimes the messages are overwhelming. Sometimes not hearing back from people you’re interested in can hurt. It’s okay to step away when you get frustrated and come back later. I deleted and recreated myself plenty of times. It’s freeing. It’s refreshing. It’s healthier than the alternative.
For COVID Times (and beyond), Calls + Video Chats Can Help You Vet
There are people I met in person way back when whom I immediately knew were not for me. Had I had a glimpse of their mannerisms or heard the inflection of their voice, I could have saved myself a some forced conversation. Despite my strategy of bringing small bills so I could pay for my beer and bolt, one small step could have made the difference.
In the midst of a global pandemic, you have the perfect reason for an extra step of vetting, and if your potential match is resistant, you know your feelings about the seriousness of the pandemic might not line up.
Want more? Sign up HERE for a good time.
Missed the workshop? Browse through my website to see what’s coming up next or email me to work together one on one.