Doors + Metaphors

Two weeks ago, I was in the pool area of my partner’s building looking for the toilet. I saw a door that said women’s showers. Something in me said, maybe that’s the bathroom, but I noticed the fob sensor next to the door and assumed it was locked. I walked back to grab the fob from my partner before I realized the door was in fact unlocked and I would have spared myself a giant lap around the pool had I just tried to open it.

One week ago, I was trying to exit the garage of my building. Again, without a fob I assumed I wouldn’t be able to get out, I walked back until I saw someone press the big red button next to the fob. The gate began to open. If only I were bolder (just a tiny bit) I could have opened the gate myself.

This week, I was headed to an appointment at a new doctor’s office. I couldn’t find my doctors name in the directory to call up through the intercom. I lapped the building to find another entrance and then eventually called the office. The receptionist informed me the door should be unlocked. It was. I didn’t even try to open it.

What the FUCK is up with that?

I’ve been sitting with this all week. How could I not even try to open a simple door for fear that the frickin door rejects me…. OHHHHHHHHHHH

How many projects do we allow to trail off for fear they won’t go anywhere? That no one will want them? How many projects do we not even start???

I am tired of giving up on myself. I am tired of this incessant need to ask for permission to walk through doors that aren’t even locked in the first place. The conditioning of being a “good girl” runs deep. Of being a well-behaved student. 

The worst case scenario is we learn the door is locked and have to figure out ways to unlock it. Why assume the doors are locked? Maybe because so many doors have been locked before, we stop trying out of disappointment and apathy. Maybe. But we don’t need all the doors to open. Just one. Maybe a few. Until then, I’m going to make the attempt before I ask for permission.